I was asked once what I would say to my 17 yearold self, if I could go back. What conversation would I have with her. I mean, it could go a thousand different ways. I could tell her to keep her legs crossed, for fucksakes. Tell her that even if I guy "picks" her to bang... it means nothing. She wouldn't listen to me if I told her that. I could tell to start smoking a little dope, that it would probably mellow her out a little. Maybe she wouldn't feel so uptight & anxious all the time. She wouldn't have a clue what i was talking about...not till her 20's anyways;)
No. I would sing her the lycris to p!nks' song fucking perfect. Swear that's what i would do. It's a fantastic song. I would mean every word of it. Because I'm wise now. I know a few little life secrets. I know that one of the most important things I needed in life was a little confidence. Fuck that. I need a hell of alot of confidence. I needed self-esteem, baby. And I had none. Zero. I mean, I put on a damn good act. But that was my problem from the time I was 7. I didn't believe in my self. And due to my parents own issues they didn't believe in my either. I needed somebody to believe in me. Then I figured out this horrible game to play with myself. I compared myself to every other living breathing girl that came into my life. And I never matched up. I was hard on myself to an unhealthy degree. It was an ugly down hill battle. For years.
The white flag has been raised. The battle is over. I have rose above...i think. I have gained confidence. I believe in myself. But it took so much. So much time, energy, & hope. Alot, alot hope. Here I am now with a future in front of me that I don't recognize. It's not a future I dreamed about, or hoped for, or wished for. It's more then that. It's real. And it's all mine & I'm ready!
